An honest look at what breastfeeding actually feels like—physically, emotionally, and practically. If you are pregnant with twins or higher order multiples be sure to check out our Twin Breastfeeding Guide.
If you’ve never breastfed before, you may have heard that “breast is best” or seen images of peaceful nursing mothers. But chances are, nobody has told you what breastfeeding actually feels like day to day, or prepared you for the sheer intensity of the experience. This guide aims to fill that gap.
Breastfeeding can be deeply rewarding and create beautiful bonding moments. It can also be exhausting, challenging, and emotionally overwhelming—sometimes all in the same day. This range of experiences is common, and whatever you feel, you’re not alone.
Setting Goals That Set You Up for Success
Many expectant parents have a vision of their breastfeeding journey—perhaps nursing peacefully while baby gazes into their eyes, or successfully breastfeeding for a specific duration like 6 months or a year. While these dreams are beautiful, they can sometimes create pressure that works against you.
The Problem with Outcome-Based Goals
Traditional breastfeeding goals are often outcome-based—they focus on reaching a specific endpoint or achieving a particular result:
- “I want to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months”
- “I would never give my baby formula”
These outcome-based goals can become sources of stress rather than motivation because:
- They don’t account for the unpredictability of birth, recovery, or your baby’s individual needs
- They can make you feel like a failure if circumstances change
- They focus on the destination rather than the daily journey
- They don’t leave room for the learning curve that both you and baby will experience
- They’re often “all or nothing,” leaving no room for partial success
The Power of Process-Based Goals
Process-based goals focus on how you approach the journey rather than where you end up. They’re about your actions, attitudes, and responses rather than specific outcomes:
Instead of: “I want to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months” Try: “I will give my baby the benefits of any amount of breastfeeding I can provide.”
This shift means whether you breastfeed for days, weeks, months, or years—and whether it’s exclusive or combined with formula—you’re successful because you’re providing benefits.
Instead of: “I would never give my baby formula” Try: “I will make feeding decisions based on what’s best for both my baby’s health and my wellbeing.”
This acknowledges that sometimes formula isn’t a failure—it’s a tool that supports your family’s health.
More Process-Based Goal Examples
“I will prioritize both my baby’s health AND my own wellbeing.” This acknowledges that a healthy, rested parent is better for everyone than an exhausted parent struggling to maintain unsustainable practices.
“I will celebrate the feeding relationship we build, however it looks.” This focuses on the connection and bonding rather than meeting external expectations or arbitrary timelines.
“I will be flexible and kind to myself as I learn.” This builds in permission to make mistakes, adjust course, and treat yourself with compassion during the learning process.
Process-Based Goals Work Better for Breastfeeding
As Dr. Sterling explains: “You can come into the experience being completely prepared, with all the knowledge and support you need, but there’s another person who is 50% of this journey—your baby—and you simply don’t have control over how they’ll respond or what challenges they might bring.”
When you set process-based goals rather than outcome-based ones, you:
- Reduce anxiety and pressure
- Stay flexible as circumstances change
- Focus on what you can control
- Celebrate victories along the way
- Feel successful regardless of how your journey unfolds
Setting Your Process-Based Goals
- What is my ‘why’ for breastfeeding?
- If breastfeeding wasn’t possible in the way I am envisioning, would there be another way to satisfy my ‘why’?
- If I had a crystal ball and I knew breastfeeding was going to be hard for me and my baby, would this goal feel empowering and supportive or would it feel like more pressure?
Remember: The “best” feeding method is the one that works for your family and keeps both you and your baby healthy and thriving.
What Nobody Tells You About Those First Weeks
The early weeks of breastfeeding are intense in ways nobody prepares you for. Here’s what’s really happening:
It’s a full-time job while you’re recovering. Each feeding takes 20-45 minutes, but with diaper changes, burping, and settling baby, you’re often looking at an hour plus per session. With 8-12 feeds per day, that’s a minimum of 8 hours spent on feeding activities. When people say it is a full-time job they aren’t exaggerating.
Everyone expects you to know what you’re doing (but you don’t). When baby cries, everyone looks to you for answers: “Are they hungry? Did they eat enough?” But you’re brand new at this too! Reading your baby’s cues takes time to learn. It’s okay to say “I have no clue why they are crying.” Even experienced parents often don’t know why their baby is crying.
The invisible nature creates anxiety. Unlike bottle feeding, you can’t see how much milk baby is getting. This creates universal worries: Is baby getting enough? Why do they seem hungry again? Did my supply drop?
The biological drive is intense. As Dr. Sterling described: “The biological drive to feed your children can be overwhelming. Your brain is telling you this is life or death, because earlier in human history it very much was.” If you are feeling panicky or overwhelmed about feeding baby remember breastfeeding is no longer a life or death situation. Formula and donor milk exist. In fact, according to a randomized controlled trial published in Pediatrics small amounts of supplementation in the early days may actually improve continued breastfeeding rates.
Your body is doing multiple jobs at once. You’re breastfeeding while also
- Healing from birth both physically and emotionally
- Sleep deprived
- Experiencing major hormonal shifts
- Learning to take care of a newborn
- Processing becoming a parent and often navigating new relationship dynamics
- Managing physical discomfort like nipple tenderness and engorgement
The Pressure Cooker Effect
When you layer the normal breastfeeding experience on top of postpartum recovery, sleep deprivation, and hormonal changes, it creates what we call a “pressure cooker effect.” Modern parenting culture adds even more pressure with “breast is best” messaging that, while well-intentioned, can create crushing guilt when breastfeeding doesn’t go smoothly.
You might feel like you’re failing your baby if you struggle, need help, or consider alternatives. Your body is no longer entirely your own. This can feel beautiful during tender bonding moments and overwhelming when you haven’t had more than two hours away from baby in weeks. Both feelings are valid.
The uncertainty can be mentally exhausting. Is baby getting enough? Are they still hungry? Why are they crying? When everyone expects you to have the answers but you’re figuring it out just like everyone else, the pressure can become overwhelming.
The Concept of Pressure Relief Valves
Just as a pressure cooker needs a release valve to function safely, successful breastfeeding often requires built-in relief mechanisms. These aren’t failures—they’re practical tools that can actually help you breastfeed longer and more successfully.
The Most Important Pressure Relief Valve: Permission to Not Know
Remind yourself it is common to not know the right answer. Babies are black boxes. Most of the time, even experienced parents are making their best guess. A trial-and-error perspective and curiosity about “what might this be?” without feeling like you should automatically know, is one of your most powerful pressure relief valves.
Instead of “I should know why my baby is crying,” try “I wonder what my baby needs right now. Let me try a few things and see what helps.”
Instead of “I’m failing because I can’t figure this out,” try “This is normal confusion that all parents experience. I’ll try some options and ask for help if I need it.”
Other Examples of Healthy Pressure Relief:
Supplemental feeding: Using donor milk or small amounts of formula in specific situations (like before your milk comes in, during growth spurts, or when you need a break) can relieve the pressure of being the sole source of nutrition.
- Research supports this approach: a 2013 study found that babies who received small, strategic amounts of formula in the early days ( until milk came in) were actually more likely to still be breastfeeding at 3 months compared to those who received no formula. This suggests that thoughtful, temporary supplementation can support rather than undermine breastfeeding goals.
- Having some donor milk or formula readily available can provide immense peace of mind as you navigate the early days of breastfeeding. Choosing a formula can be hard (so many choices!) and tracking down donor milk can be even harder! This is something you can take care of before baby arrives.
Pumping and bottle feeding: Having someone else give a bottle occasionally allows you physical and mental rest while maintaining milk supply.
Nipple shields: Thin nipple shields can help when baby has trouble latching, if you have flat or inverted nipples, or if you’re experiencing nipple pain while working on latch issues. The shield creates a vacuum that helps with milk transfer and can make breastfeeding possible when direct latching is challenging. While shields should be used with lactation support and aren’t a permanent solution, they can be an important bridge tool that allows breastfeeding to continue while you work on underlying issues.
Professional support: This one is so crucial. If you are having trouble breastfeeding, you need professional expert support. It isn’t uncommon for people struggling with breastfeeding issues to see many different lactation consultants and to see them frequently. You can also turn to breastfeeding support groups, often lead by lactation consultants, your baby’s pediatrician, and your obgyn for both practical help and emotional relief.
Flexible expectations: Permission to adjust your breastfeeding goals as circumstances change reduces psychological pressure.
Why Pressure Relief Matters:
Constant pressure without relief often leads to earlier weaning than intended. By building in safety valves, you create a sustainable approach that works for your family’s unique situation.
What to Expect in Your First Days
Now that you understand the emotional and physical intensity of early breastfeeding, let’s get specific about what actually happens in those first few days. Knowing the timeline and what’s normal can help reduce some of the uncertainty we just talked about.
The First Hours: Skin-to-Skin and First Attempts
Immediately after birth: Your baby should be placed skin-to-skin on your chest (unless medically contraindicated). This triggers important reflexes for both of you:
- Helps your baby’s feeding instincts activate
- Signals your body to begin the lactation process
- Regulates your baby’s temperature and heart rate
- Promotes bonding
First feeding attempts: Your baby may try to latch within the first hour, or it might take longer. This is completely normal. The goal isn’t a perfect feed—it’s getting started.
If skin-to-skin is delayed: Sometimes immediate skin-to-skin isn’t possible—if you’ve had a cesarean and need medical attention, or if baby needs to go to the NICU for monitoring or treatment. This doesn’t mean you can’t breastfeed successfully. You can start as soon as you’re both stable, and if separation continues, hand expressing or pumping can help establish your milk supply while you wait to be reunited.
Colostrum: Your Baby’s First Food
What it is: In the first few days, your breasts produce colostrum—a thick, concentrated fluid that’s golden or yellowish.
Why it’s perfect:
- Colostrum is measured in drops, not ounces, which matches your baby’s tiny stomach (about the size of a marble at birth but expands significantly in the first few weeks)
- It’s packed with antibodies and nutrients
- It helps your baby’s digestive system mature
- It provides protection against infections
Normal concerns: Your breasts won’t feel full or different while producing colostrum. You might worry you’re not making anything, but you are—and it’s exactly what your baby needs.
Feeding Frequency in the Hospital
Beware of 2nd Night Syndrome: Newborns typically feed 8-12 times in 24 hours, but the first day they are often very sleepy and may need to be woken to feed. This initial sleepiness often gives way to a rough 2nd night. Cluster feeding (feeding more than every 2 hours) is common on the 2nd night after birth and is one of the reasons we often recommend parents, especially first time parents, stay in the hospital for this. If you aren’t able to get a good deep latch initially by the time this night is over you could already have trauma to your nipples which makes continued breastfeeding difficult. If you are having pain beyond the first few seconds with latching, insist on getting help from nursing staff, or ideally a lactation consultant, to trouble shoot before the 2nd night.
Each feeding takes time: Early attempts may last 45 minutes (and sometimes longer if you have a particularly sleepy feeder) as you both learn. Don’t rush—your baby is practicing, and your body is responding to their demands.
When Your Milk “Comes In” (Lactogenesis II)
The transition: Between days 2-5 postpartum, your body transitions from producing drops of colostrum to ounces of mature milk. Healthcare providers call this “lactogenesis II” or the milk transition rather than “milk coming in” to emphasize that colostrum IS milk—just the early, concentrated type.
What you’ll notice:
- Your breasts become fuller, firmer, possibly warm or heavy
- You may experience significant engorgement (very full, hard breasts)
- Some people feel this dramatically, others notice gradual changes
- The fullness typically subsides within 1-2 days as your body adjusts
- Baby’s stools change from dark meconium to pale yellow, seedy stools
If your milk is delayed: This can happen due to difficult birth, cesarean section, significant blood loss, or medications during birth. Delayed milk transition occurs in 20-30% of women and is more common with first babies. This doesn’t mean you can’t breastfeed—it may just take a few extra days.
What to do if your milk is delayed:
- Hand express or pump frequently (8+ times per day) to signal your body to increase production. Another key to establishing supply is thorough emptying of the breasts.
- Continue skin-to-skin contact as much as possible to stimulate hormones. This isn’t just something you do in the hospital but something to continue at home.
- Monitor baby for signs of adequate intake and supplementation needs (see How to Know Baby is Getting Enough for more)
- Work with lactation consultants for personalized support and techniques
- Stay hydrated and rested as much as possible to support your body’s milk-making process
Remember: Milk production usually increases within 24-48 hours of optimizing frequency and technique, so don’t give up hope.
How to Know Baby is Getting Enough
Here’s how to ease anxiety about milk intake with concrete signs:
Signs baby IS getting enough:
- Baby seems content and relaxed after feeding (watch their hands—they often go from tense, clenched fists when hungry to open, relaxed hands when satisfied)
- At least 6 wet diapers per day after your milk comes in (around day 3-5)
- Regular bowel movements (at least 3 pale yellow, seedy stools daily by day 5)
- You can hear or see swallowing during feeds
- Baby’s weight follows an appropriate curve (some initial weight loss is normal, but they should regain birth weight by 2-3 weeks)
- Your breasts feel softer after feeding
Normal things that might worry you but are actually fine:
- Baby acting hungry again soon after feeding (could be cluster feeding or comfort nursing)
- Your breasts feeling less full after a few weeks (your supply is regulating, not disappearing)
- Baby having shorter or longer feeds some days (appetite varies just like yours does)
- Feeling like you’re not making enough during growth spurts (around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months)
When to actually be concerned:
- Fewer than 6 wet diapers per day after day 5
- No bowel movements for several days
- Signs of dehydration (dry mouth, sunken eyes, lethargy)
- Continued weight loss after the first week
- Baby consistently inconsolable after feeds
Trust your intuition, but remember that most parents make enough milk for their babies. When in doubt, contact your pediatrician or a lactation consultant rather than worrying alone—this is one of your most important pressure relief valves. Getting expert guidance can immediately reduce anxiety and provide practical solutions.
For extra reassurance: Some parents find peace of mind in doing pre- and post-feed weights at home. You can often rent a sensitive baby scale from the hospital where you delivered or from a lactation consultant. Weighing baby before and after a feed shows exactly how much milk they transferred, which can be incredibly reassuring when you’re questioning your supply.
When Baby Needs Supplementation
Sometimes despite your best efforts, baby may need additional support to get enough nutrition. This isn’t a failure—it’s medical care.
Reasons supplementation may be recommended:
- Excessive weight loss (more than 7-10% of birth weight)
- Not regaining birth weight by 2-3 weeks
- Fewer than 6 wet diapers per day after day 5
- Signs of dehydration or poor feeding
- Delayed milk coming in with baby showing signs of inadequate intake
- Significant jaundice requiring treatment
- Mother feeling overwhelmed and needing rest
- Medical complications
Supplementation options:
- Your expressed colostrum/milk (hand expression or pumping)
- Donor human milk from
- Hospital milk banks (for premature/ill babies)
- Community milk banks (available for purchase)
- Informal sharing from friends (proceed with caution as this milk hasn’t been screened)
- Formula
- See our Complete Guide to Formula Feeding: Evidence-Based Information for Parents
Methods of supplementation:
- Finger feeding with a syringe
- Cup feeding
- Bottle feeding with paced bottle feeding techniques
- Supplemental nursing system (feeds baby while at breast)
The Notorious Triple Feeds
Your healthcare provider may recommend an intensive approach known as ‘triple feeds’ where you breastfeed, then pump, then feed baby the pumped milk.
This might be recommended when
- Baby isn’t gaining weight well and you want to maximize milk production
- When milk supply is low and needs building
- When baby isn’t transferring milk effectively
The reality of triple feeds: As Dr. Sterling shared: “Triple feeds, which I had to do with 2 of my 3 children, are exhausting. Each feeding session can take 90 minutes or more and it literally feels like you are doing nothing else but feeding your baby…We got into a routine where we were a single pump ahead, so after I was done breastfeeding I would hand baby off to my husband and he would feed the pumped milk from the previous session. One time I spilled all the milk I had pumped for the next session. I cannot express how emotionally overwhelming that experience was. I was shaking and crying. I was devastated. My husband very nonchalantly and logically suggested we just feed formula for the next feed. I lost it on him. I was screaming… So when I tell you guys that the biological drive to feed is overwhelming this is what I mean. Sometimes this drive will override your logic, your love for your partner, everything. If you ever find yourself feeling this way, know you aren’t alone and it isn’t a you problem. This is a postpartum reality we share as mothers.”
*Important* Triple feeds are a temporary intervention to ensure your baby thrives while you work on establishing or increasing your milk supply. They are not a long term solution. Work with your healthcare team to transition to a more sustainable feeding plan as soon as baby’s weight and your supply allow.
The Golden Rules of Breastfeeding
Always pee before you sit down to nurse. Once you’re settled with baby latched, you won’t want to move for 20-45 minutes. Trust us on this one.
Have water within arm’s reach. Breastfeeding makes you incredibly thirsty. Keep a water bottle or large glass nearby for every feeding session.
Get comfortable BEFORE you latch baby. Adjust your pillows, find your ideal position, and make sure you’re not straining or hunched over. Your comfort comes first—a comfortable mother feeds more effectively.
It’s okay to unlatch and try again. If the latch doesn’t feel right or becomes uncomfortable, gently break the suction with your pinky finger and try again. You’re both learning.
Don’t settle for a painful latch. Sometimes when you’re exhausted from trying repeatedly to get a comfortable latch, it’s tempting to just endure the pain to finish the feed. But feeding through pain can damage your nipples and make future feeds even more difficult. If you can’t achieve a pain-free latch after several attempts, use this as a pressure relief valve—stop and have someone else feed baby with stored milk, formula, or whatever backup you have available. If you don’t have backup milk and prefer not to use formula, it’s okay for baby to wait 15 minutes while you pump—ideally have someone else hold baby during this time so you don’t have to hear the crying. You can try latching again at the next feeding session. If painful latching continues to be a problem, see a lactation consultant as soon as possible.
Setting Yourself Up for Success
Before Baby Arrives:
- Research local lactation support resources and identify where you will call if you need help, consider going to a lactation support group during pregnancy to see if it feels like a good fit. This in person support and socialization can be critical for mental and emotional health postpartum.
- Discuss your feeding goals and concerns with your partner/support person
- Decide on a spot, or a few spots, you would like to designate as a feeding space. You will often get ‘nap trapped’ (baby falls asleep on you) after feeding so make sure these spaces are comfortable with a spot for water bottles and snacks.
In the Early Days:
- Focus on the first few weeks as a learning period for both you and baby
- Accept help with household tasks so you can focus on feeding and recovery
- Stay hydrated and nourished—your body is doing incredible work
- Remember that improvement often happens gradually, not dramatically
Remember: Your Baby Needs a Healthy Parent
While breastfeeding can be a wonderful experience, your worth as a parent isn’t measured by how you feed your baby. Every family’s journey is different. Success looks like a healthy baby and a healthy parent—however that’s achieved.
The goal isn’t perfect breastfeeding; it’s finding an approach that works for your family. Sometimes that means exclusive breastfeeding, sometimes it means combination feeding, and sometimes it means transitioning to formula. All of these can be the right choice.
Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small victories. Ask for help when you need it. And remember that however your feeding journey unfolds, you’re doing an amazing job nourishing your baby.
Special Anatomical and Medical Considerations
Flat or Inverted Nipples
Flat or inverted nipples are normal variations that may increase the risk for breastfeeding challenges, but they don’t prevent breastfeeding. If your nipples don’t protrude enough to stimulate your baby’s palate, there are techniques that can help:
- Rolling the nipple with your fingers before feeding to encourage protrusion
- Using a breast pump or hand pump before latching to draw out the nipple
- Working with a lactation consultant on positioning and latch techniques
- In some cases, using a silicone nipple shield temporarily during the learning phase
Most importantly, mothers with flat or inverted nipples benefit from early recognition and special assistance from lactation experts during the first stages of breastfeeding.
Previous Breast Surgery or Nipple Piercings
Previous breast surgeries (including breast reduction, augmentation, or biopsies) and current or previous nipple piercings may affect breastfeeding, but it’s difficult to predict whether these will interfere with your ability to breastfeed. The key is:
- Inform your healthcare team about any previous surgeries or piercings
- Work closely with a lactation consultant from the start
- Focus on frequent milk removal to maximize milk supply
- Learn techniques for effective latching to avoid nipple trauma
- Be prepared that you may need additional support, but many people with these histories breastfeed successfully
Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT)
Some people have insufficient glandular (milk-producing) tissue, which may appear as breasts that look misshapen, triangular, widely spaced, or “less full” between the areolar complex and chest wall. While this is a risk factor for lower milk supply, it doesn’t consistently predict breastfeeding success.
Conditions associated with IGT include:
- PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome)
- Thyroid disorders
- Insulin resistance
- Previous significant weight fluctuations
If you suspect IGT: Work with a lactation consultant who can help you optimize your chances of successful breastfeeding through frequent milk removal and effective latch techniques. Even if you can’t produce enough milk for exclusive breastfeeding, you can likely produce colostrum (which has important health benefits) and maintain a breastfeeding relationship with supplemental feeding devices.
Sources
Flaherman, Valerie J., et al. “Effect of Early Limited Formula on Duration of Breastfeeding in At-Risk Infants: An RCT.” Pediatrics, vol. 131, no. 6, 2013, pp. 1059–1065. doi:10.1542/peds.2012-1443.
Kellams, Ann. “Initiation of breastfeeding.” UpToDate, Waltham, MA Accessed 2 July 2025.
Spencer, Jeanne. “Common problems of breastfeeding and weaning.” UpToDate, Waltham, MA: Accessed 2 July 2025.
“Breastfeeding: Parental education and support.” UpToDate, Waltham, MA: Accessed 2 July 2025.
Andres, Aline, Nancy F. Butte, and Alison Stuebe. “Maternal nutrition during lactation.” UpToDate, Waltham, MA: Accessed 2 July 2025.
Copertino, Rachel, and Margaret G. Parker. “Breastfeeding the preterm infant.” UpToDate, Waltham, MA: Accessed 2 July 2025.
Sterling Parents Breastfeeding Education Materials and Member Discussions, 2024-2025.
Personal interview with Dr. Sterling, OB-GYN, and Sabrina Barber, IBCLC, on breastfeeding experiences and challenges, Sterling Parents community discussion, 2024.