How to Help Make Breastfeeding Successful

Dear Support Person,

Your role in the breastfeeding journey is absolutely crucial, even though you’re not the one physically feeding the baby. How you respond, support, and advocate can make the difference between a positive and negative breastfeeding experience. Here’s how you can be the support your partner needs.

Understand What You’re Supporting

First, please read this article to understand what your partner is experiencing physically and emotionally. Breastfeeding is not just putting baby to breast—it’s an intense, round-the-clock responsibility that affects every aspect of daily life.

The frequency is overwhelming. Your partner may be feeding baby 8-12 times in 24 hours, with each session lasting 20-45 minutes. Some days, they might feel like they barely put the baby down. This isn’t an exaggeration—it’s the biological reality of how newborns feed.

Your partner is learning too. Even though everyone will look to the breastfeeding parent for answers about baby’s hunger and feeding needs, they’re figuring it out just like you are. They don’t automatically know why baby is crying or whether baby has had enough to eat.

The uncertainty is stressful. Unlike bottle feeding, your partner can’t see how much milk baby is getting. This creates anxiety that you might not understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

Your Role: Pressure Relief, Not Pressure Addition

Your job is to reduce pressure, not add to it. This is the most important thing to understand. Even well-meaning comments can increase the pressure your partner feels.

Instead of saying:

• “You need to relax for your milk to flow”
• “Maybe you’re not eating enough to make milk”
• “My mother/sister/friend never had trouble breastfeeding”
• “Just keep trying, it will get easier”
• “I don’t want to give formula”
• “Is baby hungry again? They just ate!”
• “Why is this taking so long?”

Try saying:

• “You’re doing an amazing job feeding our baby”
• “What do you need right now?”
• “Would you like me to call the lactation consultant?”
• “Your wellbeing is important”
• “I’m proud of how hard you’re working”
• “Take your time, I’ll handle everything else”

Practical Ways to Support

Before Each Feeding Session:

• Ask “What do you need?” (water, snacks, phone, book, different pillow)
• Help your partner get comfortable before baby latches
• Ensure their phone and water are within reach

During Feeding Sessions:

• Bring water, snacks, or meals without being asked
• Keep the environment peaceful (manage visitors, noise, lighting)
• Sit with your partner if they want company, or give space if they prefer quiet
• Handle any household interruptions so they can focus on feeding

Between Feeds:

• Take over baby care immediately after feeds so your partner can rest
• Handle diaper changes, burping, and settling baby when possible
• Take night shifts when baby isn’t hungry (diaper changes, soothing, etc.)
• Manage household tasks without being asked or making it seem like a big favor
• Protect your partner’s rest time—turn off phones, manage visitors, handle interruptions

Understand the Timeline:

• The first 2 weeks are often the most challenging as both baby and your partner learn
• Cluster feeding periods (where baby feeds almost constantly for hours) are normal
• Growth spurts at around 3 weeks, 6 weeks, and 3 months may increase feeding frequency
• It often takes 6-8 weeks for breastfeeding to feel “easy” or automatic

Emotionally:

• Listen without trying to fix everything
• Validate their feelings (“This is really hard” rather than “You’ve got this”)
• Research resources and make appointments if they’re too overwhelmed
• Be their advocate with family members who might offer unhelpful advice
• Remind them that their worth isn’t tied to breastfeeding success

Recognize When to Suggest Pressure Relief Valves

Watch for signs that the pressure is becoming too much:

• Excessive worry about milk supply despite baby growing well
• Reluctance to leave the house or be away from baby for any period
• Extreme fatigue or signs of depression
• Pain that’s not improving
• Anxiety or tears around feeding times
• Feeling like they’re “failing” if they need any help or breaks

When you notice these signs, gently suggest relief options:

• “Would it help if I gave a bottle tonight so you can sleep?”
• “Let’s call the lactation consultant. Some extra help can’t hurt”
• “What if we tried some donor milk/formula just to take the pressure off?”
• “I’m going to look into renting a baby scale. I think it might ease some anxiety about how much baby is getting.”

Supporting Feeding Flexibility

If your partner wants to try combination feeding, pumping, or transitioning to formula, your response matters enormously. Express support for whatever decision helps your family thrive. Remember: a healthy, rested parent is better for everyone than an exhausted parent struggling to maintain unsustainable feeding practices.

Think of yourself as your partner’s primary pressure relief valve. Your job is to help them find sustainable solutions, not to add to the pressure they already feel. This might mean:

• Encouraging professional help when they’re struggling
• Suggesting backup feeding methods when they’re overwhelmed
• Supporting their decision to adjust breastfeeding goals
• Reminding them that their wellbeing matters too
• Taking care of other sources of stress

Know When to Get Help

Suggest professional support if you notice:

• Persistent pain or difficulty with breastfeeding
• Signs of postpartum depression or anxiety
• Excessive worry about baby’s growth or health
• Social isolation or reluctance to accept help
• Talk of feeling like a failure or not being a good parent

Remember: You’re a Team

Your partner may be doing the physical work of breastfeeding, but you’re both responsible for feeding your baby successfully. This might mean breastfeeding, combination feeding, or formula feeding—and all of these can be the right choice for your family.

Your support, understanding, and advocacy matter more than you might realize. By reducing pressure and providing practical help, you’re creating the environment where breastfeeding is most likely to succeed—and where your partner feels supported regardless of how the feeding journey unfolds.

Thank you for taking the time to understand this important role. Your baby is lucky to have such loving people around them. 

Warmly, 

Dr. Sterling